I’m not sure whether I’ve mentioned this before but there was a time when my hubby kept the true extent of his debt a secret from me.
Secret debt is a sensitive topic, so I wanted to write more about our first-hand experience of it and how we know that keeping debt a secret from those you love is a bad idea.
How the secret debt came about
My hubby and I have always experienced complications with our finances until 2013 when we finally broke the cycle of debt. We actually tried to face up to debt many years ago when my hubby lost his job and we realised back then what a mess we were in. It was all fairly horrifying at the time.
As the years progressed, we managed to get on top of the debt and at one point our debt was at around £15K instead of over £30K. We began to live our lives normally again, going out and having fun like everyone else (so we thought). We ended up going back to paying minimum repayments rather than making a real effort to get the debt paid off.
Soon after we were married, my hubby started up in business with a friend and unbeknown to me, he incurred a lot of debt because of unforeseen necessary business expenses not helped by a heavy commute to work – at that time, we lived a long way from where the business was based. Knowing what we’d been through together the first time, my hubby tried to deal with the debt by himself as he feared that he would lose me.
It goes without saying that when the hubby eventually plucked up the courage to tell me what was going on, it was a difficult time for us both emotionally. He felt so ashamed of this ‘new debt’ and I felt as though my world had fallen apart even though I understood his reasons for not telling me straightaway.
After the initial shock, we started to work together for the first time on our finances by opening a joint account. This was one of the best things we ever did (as well as starting this blog) as it really opened up the lines of communication for us.
Why do we sometimes keep our debt a secret from those we love?
Our debt is our own business
There’s no need to wear our hearts on our sleeves when it comes to having debt, in fact many people choose not to tell their friends or family about it because of being embarrassed or because debt is a bit of a taboo subject in general.
That’s understandable, especially when we first get into a relationship with someone – no one really likes talking about their finances on their first date! But some of us decide to keep our debt secret for a long time after things become serious because we still think it’s our business and no one else’s.
We don’t know how to explain what happened
There’s no easy way to say, “Er, I’m in drowning in debt and I thought you should know.” Many people don’t understand how getting into real trouble with debt can happen in the first place and sometimes, we ourselves don’t know how it all got so bad. If we’ve been keeping our debt a secret, explaining this is even harder therefore sometimes it’s easier to just say nothing at all and hope it sorts itself out.
We’re scared of losing our partner
When we’re in love, the last thing we want to do is hurt our partner and the fear of losing them is a great factor in keeping debt secret. We’re worried about what they will say, what they will think and possibly whether they will want to continue in a relationship with someone who is ‘bad with money’. We might even wonder ourselves what kind of future we could have together realistically if things were to come out into the open.
We want to sort it out by ourselves
We got ourselves into this mess and we’ll get ourselves out of it. We don’t want to share the burden with our partner especially because they’re good with money and they’d be so disappointed in us if they ever found out. We’ll tell them eventually but would rather do it when we’ve made a real dent in the debt – that way, they’ll believe us when we say that we’ve changed when it comes to finances.
Why it’s a bad idea to keep your debt a secret from your partner
You could make their world fall apart (and yours)
The longer you keep your debt secret from your partner, the harder it will be to fess up. If you’re in a serious relationship, eventually the truth WILL come out either because you can’t bear the secret of debt any longer, or you need to apply for something on credit together.
When you tell your partner about your debt problems, you may be faced with anger, confusion and even sadness from them. It’s not a great thing to go through, but imagine how much harder it will be if you don’t tell them as soon as you can?
Once your partner knows that you’ve been keeping your debt a secret from them for a while it’s going to be much harder to make things right in your relationship. Secrets aren’t good for any relationship and you could end up really hurting the person that you love the most. If your partner really loves you, they’ll most likely want to protect and help you (after the initial ‘getting angry’ stage). Honesty is always the best policy.
Your partner could help you to get back on track
A problem shared is a problem halved. By telling your partner about your debt, they may be able to help you sort things out by looking at your finances with you and working out a debt repayment plan.
They may even offer to pay your debts off, in which case I would urge caution unless you know that you will be able to repay them one day. Trust is an important quality that holds relationships together so don’t make promises that you can’t keep. At the same time, your partner will probably trust you more once you start being honest about your debts.
Secret debts will take their toll on your emotions
Keeping up the appearance of being in control of your finances and not letting on about your secret debt can be mentally exhausting and may even tip you over the edge emotionally. There is a strong link to depression and anxiety when it comes to dealing with debt and if you’re alone in your battle with debt, this is going to be an extremely difficult time for you.
In summary, keeping your debt a secret from your spouse or partner could be a disaster waiting to happen for either one of you. Having debt can really impact on your personal life, so it’s better to limit the damage it can do to your relationship sooner rather than later.
Have you been affected by secret debt?
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29 Comments
My wife had some debt on her personal credit card that she didnt tell me about. After several months she agreed to pay it out of our joint account as it really bothered me. To many secret debt is worse than infidelity, and I have to agree.
Charles@gettingarichlife recently posted…Why Try If The American Dream Is Dead?
I can see why you think that secret debt is worse than infidelity, something like this does cause major trust issues. But I don’t think secret debt is as clear cut or black and white as real infidelity as I can understand the reasons why such a situation might occur. It can also start off really small and then end up as a huge complicated mess! Cheating on your loved one is a bit different and I wouldn’t be quite so understanding if that were the case! I’m really glad that your wife’s debt got sorted out and you’ve been able to move on from that together. 🙂
I can see where it would be hard to tell your significant other, but I probably would be upset too if I was married and/or you were long term partners because it really CAN affect the other person. I’m glad he finally told you and you both can work together now. I’m sure his decision to spend that money and tell you wasn’t easy for him.
Tonya@Budget and the Beach recently posted…The Real LA Woman
It wasn’t easy for him, he was setting up a business from scratch (one that is now successful – phew!) and thought he was able to deal with it. Then one day, he realised that he was in real trouble and he wasn’t able to recoup the costs he’d had to put on credit anytime soon. For me, it was a real shock. At first, I was angry about everything but eventually I understood his reasons. Ending the relationship never crossed my mind, we’re in it for the long haul. 🙂 At this time in our lives, we had separate finances and we each spent money that the other didn’t know about. We were both aware that was happening but didn’t give it much attention. Nowadays, things are totally different and we work together as a team! I wanted to share our experience so that hopefully other couples in the same situation might have hope for their relationships.
I see this a lot and the majority of time the partner isn’t hiding the debt to be malicious but because they are often embarrassed and scared. Like you said, they don’t want to lose their partner so they hide it. Sadly, the hiding part is what can actually cost them their partner. No partner is going to be thrilled you took on debt without telling them but add on the secret keeping, it can really wreak havoc. I also agree that many hope they can fix it themselves. Sometimes they can but it still takes a toll on a couple when secrets are being kept. Getting out of debt is never a piece of cake, but when you’re work together it can be a much easier and marriage-strengthening journey.
Shannon @ The Heavy Purse recently posted…Financial Infidelity: Marriage and Money {Infographic}
Definitely Shannon, the secret keeping is the really hard part and I imagine many couples lose trust when something like this happens. It can be a snowball effect, where the ‘secret’ starts out small and then the debt worsens and ends up really complicated. In this case telling the partner becomes a major deal. I wanted to share this story of how we got through this, because I believe many couples are affected by debt secrets.
I can see how a candid, open relationship with debt is very hard to accomplish. We typically have a lot of emotions tied up with financial ‘mistakes’ – like debt, or bad investments, loss of income, etc. I think it’s the shame associated with these events that’s the root cause of the secret, rather than the debt itself.
Done by Forty recently posted…Limit Your Options, Expand Your Wallet
Yes, I think that’s a good point DB40 – the shame associated with debt is a major factor. When a person is in debt like this, they look around and see other people who are successful and compare themselves to them. It makes the whole shame thing worse and they find it even harder to be honest about their own situation!
Great post! I have a good friend whose now wife had a massive amount of student loan debt that she never told him about. Once they were married, she shared it with him, and he felt completely betrayed. They went to counseling to sort it out and now they have a better relationship built on trust, but it could have destroyed them from the beginning. Having debt is not fun and doesn’t make you feel good, but keeping it from the one you love is far worse.
Shannon @ Financially Blonde recently posted…Music Mondays – Sweet Child O Mine
I agree Shannon. What I wanted to portray in this post was that things aren’t black and white or as clear cut when it comes to secret debt. For the person with the debt, confessing this is a massive deal – it’s risky because as you say, you could lose your relationship one way or another. But as hard as it is, it’s better to be honest and give yourself a chance sooner rather than later to work things out.
Hi Hayley and thanks for sharing what must have been a very emotional challenge back then!!
At least you both were able to work it out and get your trust back on track. Being life partners is definitely a two way street.
Take care and my best to all.
Lyle
lyle @ the Joy of Simple recently posted…Simple Sunday – 2
Thanks Lyle. It really was a challenging time, I understand why he couldn’t tell me though and I never stopped trusting him, silly as that sounds! I wanted to share our story about this because I believe it’s an important issue that isn’t really talked about that much – and it’s an issue that can be fixed. 🙂
Secrets in debts can cause major problems, can break trust and even break marriage. That’s how serious keeping debts is. Being open to each other and have a healthy communication is the best way to avoid keeping debt secrets in your business partner and your marriage partner.
Definitely. Debt secrets can also be an issue in business related matters too. Thanks Marissa! 🙂
Oh, yes, Hayley, we’ve been there!! I didn’t want to tell Rick about our debt for a long time, because I didn’t want him to feel like a bad provider and he has so many fears about money. When I finally told him how deep we were in, he was SO angry and scared. And sometimes, to this day, he gets angry and scared, but I just work to reassure him that our day of “debt free” will come, and that the important part is that we’re doing what we can to pay if off. Awesome post, my friend!
Laurie @thefrugalfarmer recently posted…Don’t Let the Success of Others Keep You From Achieving Your Goals
Thanks Laurie. I understand how hard that must have been for you to tell Rick what was going on. My hubby tried to tell me lots of times but things were so good at home and he thought he would ruin everything. But issues like this only get worse, so facing them together makes them easier to deal with. 🙂
Great post! I don’t have a partner to keep debt secret from, but I haven’t told my friends and family about it… yet! I will at some point, but I’m just now getting comfortable talking about it anonymously and admiting it to myself. Thanks for sharing 🙂
Shoeaholicnomore recently posted…My Schedule: What Can Give
Admitting it to yourself is the first step. There’s no need to tell ‘all and sundry’ about your debt, that’s your choice. I haven’t told many of my friends and family either!
I agree. It’s a very bad idea to hide your debt if you’re married. You’re supposed to be building your life together, but if the other person doesn’t know what’s really going on, your plans are no use and the other person might feel betrayed. And usually one lie doesn’t end up with just one. It breeds more lies to cover up the lie.
Michelle’s Finance Journal recently posted…1 Year Blogoversary
It’s definitely better to be honest from the start. 🙂 I don’t necessarily think that one lie turns into other lies (unless it’s about the same debt) but either way, it’s not great for any relationship. The partner without debt will likely want to help and support once they’ve gotten over the shock of it!
Great post. It is always a good idea to be open and honest about your debts. Having your partners support through a difficult time can really help you. Hiding your debts only puts pressure on yourself and eventually the relationship if your partner finds out through other means.
Rob recently posted…When you realise your debts are too much
Thanks Rob! The worst case scenario would be if your partner found out through other means. That would be devastating for both parties I think. Having debt is a scary situation anyway, so if you can’t tell the person that you care about the most, the emotional effects would be tough to bear.
first of all, apologize me for my poor English..i just got married two weeks ago. everything went well. i have a lot of debts. two years ago i have to borrowed money from bank to help my father to settle his debts. he had no where else to go to get help, so i thought as a daughter i should help him.. i am the only one could help as i am the eldest child who are working and have salary to apply for bank loans… now half of my salary gone just to pay the debts and car loan.i am scared to tell my husband coz i am worried he will hate me and especially hate my dad because of him i am drowning in debts.. however my dad promise to pay the debts once he got the money. i know my dad and he will keep his promise.
i dont want this to happen.. i am planning to tell him but i do not know what say. my husband sometimes can be very judgmental and blindsided..i am just worried he will hate my dad and my entire family.i dont want that.. i wouldn’t mind if he hates me.. how should i tell him so that this will not happen?
Hi Liz thanks so much for reading this blog and commenting. I’m sorry to hear about your situation especially as you were trying to do the right thing by your dad. If it was me, I’d be straight up with your husband sooner rather than later, even if it seems the hardest thing to do in the world. The problem is that you’re in this situation now and it’s not going to change anytime soon. So by not being honest, you’re causing a lot of stress to yourself and it will really take a toll on you eventually as living with secrets is hard enough but I would say much harder as a newlywed couple. Your husband is your family now too and I guess he would want to know (and maybe even help?). Of course, this is your call – all I can say is what I would do – explain everything as it is as simply as possible. Good luck and please let us know how you get on if you decide to tell him. xx
My husband and I have been married for almost 30 years. We have both worked all this time and our house was paid off last year! He lost a good job 7 years ago and started a business which did not do well and he had to sell it 2 years later. Myself not being involved enough in our finances, did not know he had bought the business on credit as the understanding was that he would use his severance pay to purchase it. It cost him 20,000 to buy the business. In the 2 years he had the business every cent he made went back into the business and he lost some as well, and we were paying bills with severance money. He had opened up a line of credit which I thought was going to be paid off when he sold the business, which he did not. He did obtain a job only making just over minimum wage, so bills got behind. We were and still are not big spenders and try to pay cash for anything we purchase by saving and I use a Payroll Canada Saviings plan to save for purchases and have never owned a credit card. They have always scared me. He opened up 2 credit cards and was transferring money from one account to pay off the line of credit and over the last 5 years with the interst costs we have accumulated almost 90,000 dollars in debt with 2 maxed out credit cards. I got wondering when we never had any extra money in our account where it was going so I started tracking bills on line, which I had never done before and I was so shocked in what I saw, my mind just could not figure anything out. I immediately assumed he was having an affair on me and he had stated to me he wanted to sell the house so he planned on leaving me. When I confronted him he was so ashamed and stated he could not tell me as he thought I would leave him! His self worth had been hurt when he list his job, then his business failed. He had made some bad decisions with money without my knowledge and could not cope or face me with it. I was so angry and disappointed with this as I have always been supportive through everything. I even helped him run his business. I worked there every weekend I had off. I still feel betrayed but I still want to help him get out of this. I put some of the blame on myself. I should have been more involved with our finances and not left him to deal with it all. I wish he had come to me 5 years ago and things would have been worked out by now. Now it’s going to take twice as long! We can’t put more savings towards retirement and I am going to get another job and he’s going to pick up extra work when he can. We budget all of our expenses now and are going to be getting interest rates lowered and work with the bank to get payments lowered. I want to get it paid off asap. Hopefully in less than 5 years. We can’t manage better than that. I am true testament that couples need to work on finances together and both be involved with any decisions made. My husband made too many decisions on his own and I did not make myself get more involved. I don’t hate my husband, but it kind of feels like he has stolen from me. We just have to work together from now on and make all the decisions together. This should be one of the first considerations couples make together before getting married. Money isn’t everything, but trust is. Trust can be regained, but it takes time and work. My emotions go back and forth with anger but I don’t voice it! I don’t want to make him feel worse so I write it all down then throw it away! Some days I feel like this is not doable but some days I am glad we are working on this together and making more decisions together. We can’t keep beating ourselves up over this! We have to move forward. We still don’t want to tell family and friends and I am ok with this for now! Eventually I think everyone will figure it out. I will be somewhat truthful but everyone doesn’t have to know everything! I say a prayer every night and every morning to God to help us get through this!
D
Hi Janice, thank you for commenting and sharing your story. I’m sorry that you’re having to go through this! You sound like such a supportive person, I bet your husband is so thankful to have you. I just want to let you know that you’re not alone. I know what you’re going through because I’ve been there myself. You’ll probably feel secretly resentful for a while, but you will get through this if you and your husband work together. Everyone makes bad decisions in their lives. For some people, those bad decisions are money related. For others, it’s relationship problems. No-one is perfect. When you’re in a good relationship and you make a bad decision, it can be frightening to let your partner know about it for fear of what they might say or do. I can totally imagine your husband feeling this way. You’re a great person for standing by him even though he made some mistakes. The fact that you recognise that you could have been more involved with the finances, just shows how open you are to getting through this and moving forwards. You know, although this whole experience may seem horrible now, there are some blessings to come from this kind of crisis. In a few years, your relationship could be stronger than ever and your financial problems could be way behind you. When you’re focused on paying off debt, it’s amazing what you can achieve in a short space of time. Stay in touch and let me know how you’re getting on!
Having the joint account really worked for me and my husband. Also, we both have financial responsibilities – he does biweekly budgets and I do bookkeeping for taxes. I think having just one person wholly responsible for finances and one person blissfully unaware is a recipe for disaster. I also just like to verbally mention whenever I plan to spend over $100 – it keeps my husband’s budgeting job easier for him to do, and I have to think if I really want something before I buy it.
We’ve had plenty of our own bumps in the road on our way to having a good financial relationship as well, but thankfully worked out the kinks prior to marriage. Thanks for sharing your story.
At the moment I owe £38,000 through loans and credit cards and have lost £60,000 in total.
The debt was all incurred through online gambling. I havnt gambled in 4 weeks.
I tried to get a consolidation loan from my bank last week, but was turned down.
My only option now is to remortgage. I wanted to sort this mess out myself, but because the mortgage is joint, I have to tell my wife.
I’ve always been good with money and have saved and got my kids through university. When I think of the money I have gambled and lost and know how hard my wife works, it breaks my heart.
How do I tell my wife?
Hi Sean, gambling is a big issue for many people in debt – congrats on managing to stop recently. That’s the most important step for you to take right now. I think the sooner you tell your wife, the better. There’s no easy way to tell her what’s been going on, but be prepared to think about some solutions regarding your remortgage as she will no doubt want to know how you’re going to pay the debt off together. She’ll probably have some questions around how you got into debt and honesty really is the best policy! Mistakes can be rectified but telling white lies can turn into bigger ones further down the line. Your wife may be angry but hopefully you can work out any issues and she will be supportive of you trying to get back onto your feet with money. Good luck Sean and I hope you and your wife get your finances back on track really soon.