Have you ever tried to help someone but ended up making yourself unhappy in the process because you can’t just say no? Or wanted to challenge a situation that you’re not happy about, but find you can’t for whatever reason?
This has happened to me in all sorts of different areas of my life. It’s not that I don’t want to be helpful but sometimes I’ve made a rod for my own back as I’ve gotten myself into various situations where I can’t just say no.
Soon after starting my last job, I found out that a co-worker in my team lived a few streets away from me. She used to catch the bus and every so often would drive to work as she and her hubby had one car between them. One day, she asked me for a lift home because her hubby had the car and it was raining.
Of course, I said yes! I wanted to get to know my co-worker anyway and as she only lived a few streets away, it’s not like I was going too far out of my way. That night I dropped her off and arrived home around 10 minutes later than usual.
The next day, my co-worker asked me for a lift again. I didn’t mind too much, it was only the second time and I wanted to help her. It was quite nice to have company again on the way home from work. A few days after that, she asked me to give her a lift in the morning to work. What I didn’t anticipate was all the traffic in the morning, which was much worse than the evening for some reason. When I said that she lived a few streets away, did I mention that one of the streets was a main road? Turns out it was chocca block full with commuter traffic every morning!
Warning bells began to ring but because I felt like I couldn’t say no (after all this co-worker was a really nice person) this went on for around 5 months! Morning and evening, at least 3 times per week! I realised that I was actually leaving for work 20 minutes earlier than I should have done. I don’t know about you but in the morning, every extra minute asleep is precious!
I ended up in a situation where I was making someone else happy but not myself. But could I tell my co-worker about this? Nope! I ended up making excuses such as having to go somewhere else straight from work or having an early appointment on the way to work. After a while, she gave up asking! Terrible I know! But as I hate conflict, I just couldn’t bring myself to be assertive.
Another example is where I’ve taken on extra workload as a favour to other co-workers. When my boss saw that I could take on this extra work and do my own work at the same time, she frequently asked me to do other work related jobs which were outside of my job description. I couldn’t just say no, not to my boss. The plus side was that I was deemed to be a highly efficient employee. But I felt like an overloaded and undervalued doormat!
Not saying no when you need to can cause resentment and frustration!
There were situations which used to wind me up considerably such as the birthday gift fund where I used to work. I used to part with my cash at least 3 times per month to contribute to the numerous birthday gifts for colleagues. I don’t mind giving to friends and family but in all honesty, I didn’t really know John from Finance that well at all. He could have been the one that sang at last year’s Christmas party. It started to really bug me, particularly as I couldn’t really afford to contribute to the birthday gift fund every couple of weeks. But could I be assertive and just say no? Of course not! 🙁
I’ve actually lost substantially more money because of my frequent inability to just say no. A good friend of mine invited me on her hen weekend a few years back. At the time, with it being a good 6 months away, I said that I’d love to. But as the time drew nearer and the hen weekend costs started to add up with all sorts of activities being planned left, right and centre, I found I couldn’t back out for worrying about letting down my friend. There were a few others who dropped out of the hen do because of escalating costs and I knew how disappointing this was for my friend. The result was that I ended up paying for some of the costs for the hen do on my credit card (shakes head) just because I wanted to avoid upsetting my friend.
So I’ve been thinking… what do happy and successful people do in these situations?
When you think about people that are successful or happy in their careers, in relationships, with money… do they have trouble being assertive? I doubt it somehow. The leaders in any organisation do a great deal of delegating and not too much ‘work’ as such, so by the very nature of a leadership role, it pays to be assertive and know when to say no.
People who are financially savvy seem to have no trouble handling money matters. They tend to be able to negotiate discounts, ask for their money back and just say no to things that they think are too expensive (such as hen weekends that they really can’t afford to go on).
There is a difference between being a nice helpful person and being a complete doormat. I’ve realised over the last few years that making other people happy doesn’t always result in my happiness. It’s hard to change who I am as a person but lately, I have been saying no to more situations including work related issues and also in my relationships with friends. Not only am I slightly better off financially but I’m also happier in myself!
Do you find it hard to just say no? Or are you easily able to challenge situations that you’re not happy with?
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43 Comments
That was really sad to know that your coworker took you for a ride. Saying No itself is an art and people who knows to say this are more happy people than people like us who would make others happy but feel sad ourselves or being overburdened. You come across such situations in many places where you feel like saying No but finally ended up saying Yes to make the person happy.
Rita P recently posted…Become rich now or never
Thanks Rita. 🙂 It really is an art although some people have a better knack for it that others! There are people out there who take others for granted, whether they realise it or not is a different matter.
It is hard to say no in a lot of situations. I have been good about it at some points in my life and bad at others. I think it is sometimes used as an excuse and stunts your growth, but at other times it is crucial to your growth as it gives you the time and freedom to give to yourself and your family.
Free Money Minute recently posted…What is a 529 Plan?
I wonder if it’s a confidence issue, the whole ‘can’t say no thing’. Looking back, I’ve worried (too much I believe) about what people will think of me if I say no.
I usually don’t have trouble saying no but I think the co-worker situation would have been tricky because when you initially said yes I’m sure you were under the assumption it was just a one-time thing. I mean did she even offer to pay gas? I probably would have started coming up with excuses myself too like I had to go to the gym or grocery store. when it comes to plans, I hardly ever commit without first giving it some space. I usually say, “that sounds great. I’ll give it some thought and get back to you.” Then if you’re not too comfortable saying no face to face, try emailing at first.
Budget and the Beach recently posted…Celebrate Your Uniqueness
I really like this idea of not committing either way and giving yourself time to really decide if you want to say yes or no! I will try this next time, thanks!
The word No seems to be a taboo word for many but, it’s in our vocabulary for a reason. When I was making good money a couple of years back, I had a hard time uttering those 2 simple letters. Soon enough, I was paying electric bills for friends, giving loans I shouldn’t ,ect… Now I have none of the good money I made. So, I’m making it again and, this time, the answer’s no! lol! Thanks for the great post!
Joshua Rodriguez @ CNA recently posted…Welcome To The NEW CNA Finance!
Saying no to friends is really hard isn’t it? I don’t blame you for saying no this time around! If your friends are real friends, they should understand. 🙂
Ugh. I tried to be assertive and say no about something that always bugs me recently and it bit me in the butt! I’m still upset about it. =(
Mrs PoP @ Planting Our Pennies recently posted…He Said She Said – The Banana Thief!
Oh no, sorry to hear that Mrs PoP! Hopefully things will calm down about that soon. Well done for saying no!
I have problems saying no…especially to employers. I am starting to get better at it, though. You need to know your limit and not cross it.
Debt and the Girl recently posted…Marriage, Kids, and More Thoughts on Today…
Saying no to employers is really tricky as we tend to wonder whether saying no will affect our job in any way. Hypothetically, if we present a good case for saying no, employers may understand and not hold it against us! Saying that I always failed in saying no to employers quite miserably!
I’m bad with saying no also, but I do think I am better than others. It can be hard!
Michelle recently posted…Is A House Right For You?
I’d love to be really assertive but I guess it’s just not me. My friends and family would probably fall over with shock if I was too assertive! I am trying though. 🙂
When I was in my teens and early 20s I was the nice girl who never said No and always went out of her way to make people happy even if that meant sacrificing my own happiness. As I got older, I literally got sick and tired of it and now I only say Yes if I truly mean it 🙂 It feel so much better!
Girl Meets Debt recently posted…Independent Girl: I’m Paying My Debt!
GMD, I was exactly the same. Only I’m still a little bit like that! I am getting slightly better over recent years!
Interesting post and a very tough subject. I find that telling people no right off the bat works better than hemming and hawing – although I would also add that this subject is much easier with guys than gals.
Kyle | Rather-Be-Shopping.com recently posted…I Took Two Girls to Justice and Came Out Alive
I agree that guys seem to be able to say no more easily! I’d love to know why this is though!
I can’t believe your coworker! Who does that? I’m bad at saying no, too – especially at work where I don’t want to look lazy.
Amanda recently posted…Spelling Mistakes
Thanks Amanda! Maybe she thought I liked giving her a lift for the company side of it… but alas, I’m being too generous, she was probably just keen to get a free ride to work for as long as possible! 🙂
I can be bad at saying no, too, out of fear of confrontation. I’m so shy, it can be difficult to be assertive. I wouldn’t have minded about the co-worker if she had been honest about her plans from the get-go. For example, there’s a coworker of mine who has a suspended license and can’t drive, so most of the time, another coworker picks him up on his way in. This was pre-arranged, though, not just a continuing thing. The way she did it, though, was a little passive.
I can totally relate about the work thing. I am usually left feeling undervalued and overworked because I am reliable. I have gotten better at managing my workload mostly because my bosses finally realized we are way too busy most of the time, but it can be annoying when they ask me to do a task someone else with more free time can complete.
I did manage to say no to my cousin’s bachelorette party. I felt super guilty because I was in the bridal party, but there was no way I could afford it, and I knew it was the right decision for me.
E.M. recently posted…Two Sides: Car Accident Edition
I hate confrontation too E.M. Being assertive in work situations is really difficult isn’t it? Thank goodness your boss realised you were overloaded! That’s the sign of a good boss I think! Well done on saying no about your cousin’s bachelorette party!
This was tough for awhile, but now I find myself saying “no” ALL of the time. It is the right way to go…don’t conform :).
Tony@WeOnlyDoThisOnce recently posted…The Problem with Desire
Thanks Tony, wise words! I’m going to take Budget and the Beach’s advice too about being non-committal and then saying no afterwards I think!
I too used to have issues with saying no, and then resenting the fact that I had to do something I committed to.
It was in my 30’s when I started using NO! The first time I did so, I was worried that I would offend or not be there for someone. Turns out that when you say NO, people say “ok” and then move on to someone else or figure out a way of working out something on their own. They still remain your friends or co-workers and after a couple of NO’s, they don’t bother asking anymore 🙂
That being said, I have a few family members and friends that I will never say NO to because of what they have done for m in the past. I guess one needs to be selective in who they say yes and/or no to.
Thanks for a reflective post and can you lend me twenty bucks until next Tuesday? 🙂
Take care and all the best.
Lyle
lyle @ the Joy of Simple recently posted…Looking For The Silver Lining: An Optimist’s Quest!
Lol! I’ll stretch to 10 bucks (because I don’t want to say no)! You know what, I think you’ve hit the nail on the head, I was (and still am to a certain extent) worried about offending people if I was to say no. But actually, like you say, they’ll just figure a way of working something out because of the fact that you said no. Even though they may appear offended, it’s not the end of the world is it?
I’m the same way. I can’t say no and I end up cleaning after people and doing things I end up hating. I’d like to think I got alittle better with age, but not really. I end up resenting the person who takes advantage of me. I know I need to be better at this.
Michelle’s Finance Journal recently posted…Friday Update: Sixteen Candles and New Job
I think it’s just the way we are as people Michelle, not wanting to offend and wanting to be helpful. Some people have no problems saying no, but for us, it’s comes as a challenge! One that we need to work at and can succeed at. 🙂
I’m the same way, I have a hard time saying No. I’m a nice person and a people pleaser…I don’t want to disappoint. I think I do the same thing as you in those situations. I make up excuses as to why I can’t help them so that they won’t get upset that I was unwilling to help them. But honestly people need to be more considerate. Your co-worker shouldn’t expect you to drive her all the time…not cool!
Andrew@LivingRichCheaply recently posted…More Ways to Save
Thanks Andrew! We need to look out for ourselves more don’t we? If only to keep our sanity!
In the situation with your friend, I would have asked her to walk over to my house by X o’clock so that we could go to work together. I have been in a similar situation at work where I was taking on lots and lots of assignments and worked with pretty much every department in the whole office from Finance to KAM, 2 years down the line, I was signed off for a few months with anxiety and depression, so no, I don’t do that anymore, I will say no if I have to, I’ve learned the hard way. Overall, I don’t have a problem saying no as harsh as this may sound, sometimes I feel very bad for saying no and I will question my decision but if I know this is the right thing to do I will do it. I’m glad you have learned what makes you happy and what is not and learned to say no, sometimes in life you have to for your own well being.
Eva @ Girl Counting Pennies recently posted…Save Money by Renting a Cheaper Place
Being signed off work for anxiety is not good, I often wonder how bosses can let it get to that stage as surely they can see how overloaded we are? The same thing happened to me, I was diagnosed with depression at the time but I didn’t take any time off work for fear of affecting my job. Madness I know but I literally felt like my job was a ball and chain at times! I managed to get through it but it was a difficult time. I would never let work affect me in that way now, it’s just not worth it! 🙂
Yess! I work for a well off dentist, every year the staff gathers money to buy a christmas gift. While I think the gestur e is nice it’s a total waste of money. I did it for a few years an finally decided I’d had enough insanity so put my foot down and said I wasn’t contributing since whatever we could scounge up would be a lame gift he could buy if he wanted. I instead suggested we contribute to charity instead in his name. People were reluctant but came onboard and he lloved it.
catherine recently posted…My Plan To Get Out Of Debt Fast And Have Things I Want
That’s a great idea, donating to charity instead of buying a gift for someone who may not even like a particular gift. Most well off people tend to have a lot of ‘stuff’ anyway. I’m so glad your boss appreciated the charity donation. 🙂
I regret “saying yes” to my bosses a few years ago when they asked me to take on this major project at work (stage managing a fund-raiser play). At the time, I was still a “new” employee trying to impress them… but this extra project ended up taking over my real job. If I had said no back then, I don’t think I would hate my job now as much as I do.
Amanda recently posted…Interview Round 2, Here I Come!
Being a new employee puts us in a vulnerable position in some ways as we do tend to feel the need to impress others and it can land us in a whole world of tricky! I really hope you get this new job, it’s definitely time for a change for you! 🙂
Saying no is very difficult, as we have a desire to adhere to social norms. I have some tips for how to handle it in a work situation. For example, I usually am handling more projects than my colleagues at my current position. If I am asked to take on more than I can handle, instead of saying “no” I’ll say that I can take that on, but it will impact my other projects. Let’s look at my current project list to see which one we can push to the back burner.” I read it in some book (maybe Covey’s?) and I found it to be effective, because it gives context to my soft “no”.
Done by Forty recently posted…Why We Negotiate
That’s a really good way of tackling the situation! By saying it like that, you can’t be classed as unhelpful, surely only efficient. Great tip!
It has taken me many years to get to the point were I can say no. The biggest challenge is setting your priorities straight and getting the most out of the time and resources you have. Will saying yes advance your own individual goals? Will helping someone out give you the satisfaction we all look for when we do good deeds? If not it is better to go through the painful process of saying no rather than the painful process of burning your candle from both ends. It is all about balance!
Levi Blackman recently posted…When is the best time to buy a Washer and Dryer?
Good point Levi! Usually when I say yes to something I don’t want to, it’s because I’ve been put on the spot and can’t think of a way to say no without worrying about causing offense. I think balance is definitely a good thing to have! Thanks so much for visiting my blog!
Love this! I used to have a hard time saying “no” , but the stress that came with it was too much, and I decided one day that I’d had enough, and now make those decisions based on what I really want to/can do. Life is much happier!
Laurie @thefrugalfarmer recently posted…How to Save Money: Frugal Alternatives to Cable TV
Thanks Laurie! I’m so glad you can ‘say no’ when you need to now. We feel bad at first sometimes but it’s worth it for our happiness!