A while back, I wrote a post called “How to be a better friend to someone in debt” – about how a friend in debt is a friend in need, whether they know it themselves or not. It prompted quite a few responses and was even featured on Rockstar Finance last week!
One of the comments that came in was about how we (as the person trying to help) may have to do some detective work to find out if our friend might be struggling with money, so that we can support them. This resonated with me because my husband and I managed to hide the fact that we were struggling with debt from our own friends for a long time.
There were a couple of reasons why. The first was that we were really ashamed of how we’d managed to get ourselves into such a mess in the first place. And the second was that we didn’t think our friends would understand and we thought they would think badly of us.
If we had been a bit more upfront about our debt back then, we may have been surprised to find our friends supporting us or even confiding in us that they too had experienced financial difficulty in the past. It might just have made things easier.
Looking back, we displayed some behaviours that were indicative of money worries and I’ve outlined them in this post below. So if you’re worried about a friend struggling with debt, consider these classic warning signs. You might be able to identify a problem and help your friend when they need your support the most.
1. Avoidance when it comes to spending money
If you find your friend is starting to cancel on you when you’ve planned to meet up for dinner, drinks out or even just a coffee, it might be because your friend can’t afford it. Rather than being honest about money problems, it is easier to just cancel with any other excuse rather than the truth.
If it’s happened once, don’t worry too much. But if you notice a pattern, where your friend is cancelling on meeting up when there will be a cost associated with it, this is when there could be a problem.
2. Using public transport rather than the car
Cars are expensive, when you take into account fuel, tax, insurance and other random costs like car parking. If you find that your friend has taken to using public transport to get around when they still have a car at home, they may be trying their best to save money. They may have even already sold their car.
There could be a perfectly innocent reason to using public transport – like being more environmentally friendly, which more and more people are striving to do. Only you know your friend and if this is out of character for them, they may well be hiding money worries from you.
3. Drinking tap water when meeting up socially
I remember doing this myself several times before I gave in and resorted to option number one – general avoidance. I tried to live my life normally, fully aware that I couldn’t afford a night out with friends. So as an interim measure, I met up with friends (using public transport) and stuck to tap water all night whilst they had a few drinks.
I tried two excuses here for only drinking tap water, the first being a very long course of antibiotics and a dislike of soft drinks. The second being that I was on a fad diet that involved no alcohol. After a couple of months, I was fed up of fending off questions and in some cases peer pressure from my friends to just let my hair down for a bit. So I stopped going out altogether.
4. Weight loss
Debt can put someone under incredible stress. The thought of not being able to pay bills and worrying about debt collectors, if the situation has become extreme, is definitely enough to cause sleepless nights and even depression. Those things alone are easy to hide, at least for a while.
But weight loss? It’s a physical symptom that’s obvious to see. If someone really doesn’t need to lose weight, this is a sign that something is wrong. It could be down to illness or depression, or when combined with some of the other signs above – money worries.
5. Unopened bills
If you notice a bunch of unopened bills when you visit your friend at home, this is another classic warning sign of money troubles. Unopened bills is a clear indicator that the recipient doesn’t want to see what’s inside. If your friend hasn’t opened letters from a credit card company or bank, it could be because they suspect they are defaulting on debt payments and they don’t want to (or are too afraid to) deal with the consequences.
Denial is one of the first stages many people go through just before they’re forced to face up to their debt problems one way or another.
How to approach your friend if you think they have money problems
Debt is tricky to talk about – it’s probably not wise to just ask your friend outright, “Are you worried about debt?” If you put them on the spot, you may not get an honest answer. The best way for your friend to feel that they can confide in you is if they think they can trust you and that you won’t judge them for whatever mistakes they’ve made.
Try spending more time with your friend in a place where they can relax and not have to spend money. See if you can pick up any other warning signs by asking a few open ended questions. Be forthcoming about your own experiences about financial difficulty, if you have any.
If it turns out your friend is struggling with debt, be sensitive and avoid talking about your financial successes – for now at least. You may want to inspire your friend that they can build wealth themselves, but there will be plenty of time for that later, when your friend can see past their debt problems and is on the road to financial recovery. Don’t forget to check out this post which explains exactly what you can do to support them.
Are there any other signs you can think of that indicate money worries?
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15 Comments
I had a friend who avoid meeting us because she was in great debt and she always kept saying she’s busy with her work. But, the truth was she was just shy and might break down when she saw us. When we knew her situation, we just visited her and brought some food that we could cook and share with one another without letting her feel bad.
Jayson @ Monster Piggy Bank recently posted…Investing For The Future, Rather Than Saving For It
I think one more to add would be this overly blissed out person and that to me screams denial. I have a friend/acquaintance who is super bubbly and is always talking about how her life rocks and I see her on social media all the time with #blessed attached to her photo. But I know for a fact her major money trouble because she told me. She hans’t paid her taxes in over three years, and is leasing a porsche with thousands of dollars of debt. So I would say look for the person who is ALWAYS throwing down their credit card, or buying everyone a round of drinks, or not talking about anything TOO personal. They might be in denial.
These are great tips! The only thing I can think to add echos what Tonya says about the friend in denial. I had a co-worker that acted a lot like the friend she describes in her comment. I knew she was really struggling financially because I knew what her salary was. She was a single mom with 3 kids in HS, so she was trying to pay her mortgage and support a family of 4 on less money than I was making – and I was single, and could barely get by. Yet, she bought a brand new vehicle, had the newest iPhone (as did her kids), always went out for lunch, etc. Everything went right onto her credit card, so I can only imagine how much debt she was accumulating…
Amanda @ My Life, I Guess recently posted…It Wasn’t Easy, But I Did It (My Way) – Becoming Debt Free
These are very good tips. I am always open with my friends about money, which generally leads to them being more comfortable talking to me about any of their problems. I have my suspicions with a few people, but am waiting for them to open up to me about it. In the mean time, I just don’t pressure anyone to go out, and prefer to hang out at home instead of spending money — both for their sake and my own! 😉
Alexandra @ Real Simple Finances recently posted…Save Big By Choosing a Community College
If they get a lot of calls that they screen, either on their cell or, if they’re luddites like us, their landline. My mom was staying with a friend for a couple of days. They let all calls go to voicemail unless it was a number they absolutely, definitely recognized.
They were avoiding calls from bill collectors.
Also, another way to get your friend to open up is to talk about your own money troubles, especially if you’re paying off debt at the moment. This might let your friend know that a lot of people get in over their heads.
Abigail @ipickuppennies recently posted…It’s official
These are important signs to look out for. I’d also say along with weight loss is weight gain, as many people are triggered by stress to eat more. Plus signs of exhaustion from lack of sleeping well. Of course these signs may be health related or related to other stressors, but it’s an indicator that something’s wrong and you want to be there for your friend, whatever it is.
Gary @ Super Saving Tips recently posted…How to Save Money on Car Rentals Every Time
I was going to say the same thing! Not only because of binge eating, but also because that depression often makes it hard to stay active.
Femme @ femmefrugality recently posted…The Cost of Not Eating Organic with David Eson of Isidore Foods
These signs are so true. I feel like it so important to support and sustain friends when they are struggling with debt and help them see that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I think unopened bills is probably the biggest sign i’ve seen as its the putting you head in the sand mentality that leads to them being unopened.
This is a great list! There have definitely been times in my life where I hid just how bad my financial situation was, now I’m on much better financial ground for the day to day but my student loans are out of control. I’ve found that being honest about them with people I’m close to has resulted in some really interesting conversations. Whether it is that they are in the same boat or that they didn’t realize that there really is a problem the way student loans work and that there is a looming bubble it has brought more attention to the bigger picture which I think is a good thing.
Liz recently posted…Financially Savvy Saturday #103
I remember right after college, a good friend of mine fell off the face of the earth, and when she finally came clean about being in debt, we were all like – why didn’t you just tell us?? And we started to figure out free ways to do things or we’d make sure to go visit her instead of having her trek to us. If she’d just told us, it would’ve saved us all a lot of drama.
Mel recently posted…Financially Savvy Saturdays #103
These are all great clues to identify someone is in debt. I was with a couple for a little while and they always shared a meal. No the meals were not that big they just couldn’t afford to both have one. They also stayed home instead of going out with us. There was a little hurt feelings at first until I realized what was going on.
Vickie @Vickie’s Kitchen and Garden recently posted…My Menu this Past Week 8/15/15
Thanks for the list; I’ll admit I never thought about it.
RAnn recently posted…Paying for College Without Massive Debt
Like Gary above, I immediately thought “weight gain” when I read weight loss in the list, since stress triggers some people to emotionally eat.
Amy @ DebtGal recently posted…Maine Vacation Recap
I and my friends are quite open about our difficulties (financial or otherwise), so I honestly didn’t even think about any of these. Great list! I’ll keep these things in mind. Thanks for sharing!
J recently posted…August Goals
I do the tap water thing even now that I have a budget for some fun every month. I don’t drink only water alll night long, but I’ll go and have 1-2 drinks and then switch to water “because I’m driving”. Drinking water also makes eating out cheaper.
Kayla @ Shoeaholicnomore recently posted…5 Ways College Students Can Save Money This Fall