I’m a big believer in supporting your partner if they have debt and doing what you can to make a relationship work, but there is ultimately a point where debt becomes such a problem that it can and should end a relationship for the sake of both parties involved.
What point is that exactly? That’s what I hope to define today in this post. I’m sharing my opinion here and I’d love to read your comments too because the topic of love and debt is a grey area for sure. This post is probably going to be a bit controversial, but I think this is a topic that needs some discussion.
My experience of love and debt
Debt was a big part of the relationship between me and my husband for 15 years. Debt tested our relationship in so many ways, from leaving us with very little income to enjoy ourselves to causing serious emotional stress as time went on.
We both had debt when we met and the extent of our debt got worse in the years following. Before we got married, we both had our own bank accounts and our individual debts were our own business.
Trying to retain our finances independently of each other, whilst living life together as a couple, led to all sorts of problems for us.
There came a point where my husband had accumulated more debt than he could cope with and couldn’t find the words to tell me about it. In the end, everything came out into the open since the debts weren’t getting paid.
Looking back, it was the turning point in our relationship where we decided to go “all in” and get serious about what we wanted from our life together as a couple. We had both made mistakes and there was a lot of anger, guilt and bitterness on both our parts as to how we’d ended up in such a poor financial situation.
We had to forgive each other for our financial mistakes and truly commit to one another financially by sharing everything about our earnings and outgoings so that we could move forwards. It wasn’t easy, but gradually our relationship became even stronger than before and the hard times we experienced helped us to realise the importance of our relationship together.
Our relationship grew stronger because we both wanted to change and make things work. I think that’s the key to getting through any relationship problems, not just financial ones.
For us, we won the battle with debt in every way. We took control of our finances again but also got past the hurdles in our relationship that debt had caused.
So, when does debt in a relationship become too big a problem to make the relationship work? When should either party walk away and start a new life alone? Of course every relationship is different and so in my mind, there are three main things to consider…
Are the debt problems getting worse?
Relationships are two sided, but sometimes (not always) debt problems can stem from just one party. There is the issue of trust and respect to consider. If the person in debt continues to get even deeper in debt, then the person without debt is going to end up feeling resentful and lose respect for their partner.
This in turn could lead to the breakdown of the relationship in the end. Once respect has gone, it’s difficult to get that back.
Likewise, if both people have debt problems and one person is more serious about fixing financial problems then the other person, similar trust and respect issues are probably going to arise.
If both parties continue to get into debt, like me and my husband did, eventually there will be a rock bottom incident where they’ll have to make some big changes to get their lives back on track again.
For some people, this is the time when the relationship turns toxic and one or both decide to go their separate ways and try to make a better go of things on their own. For others, it’s the time to knuckle down, decide what they really want out of the relationship together and commit to making things work.
Is it the right thing to do to leave someone when debt problems have worsened? I guess there isn’t a right or wrong answer here but that it depends on the emotional wellbeing of one or both people in the relationship.
Has the relationship turned toxic?
By toxic, I mean either when the relationship has broken down so much that there is constant fighting, arguing and distrust on either side, so that any love has most certainly been lost. If this is the case, then I think it’s probably the right thing to do to end the relationship and start afresh for both parties.
The only exception to this, I would say, is if one person is having a mental breakdown or suicidal tendencies. The other person could say that effectively this isn’t their problem after all the hurt and pain caused, but I believe that we all have a moral obligation to help someone if they have reached this point.
Depression is a serious illness that often goes undetected, but it can be treated once identified. It’s a lot for the other person in the relationship to take on, to support someone like this whilst trying to get them professional help, but personally I think this must be done.
What will happen if the relationship ends?
One important consideration is to think about is what exactly will happen if the relationship ends. For example, if kids are involved, there could be damaging consequences to them as a result (or on the contrary, life could be made better for them if their parents were to split up).
Specifically though, I guess the consideration would be around what life could look life for both parties should they separate.
Would one person be better off financially whereas the other one would continue to struggle along or even end up worse off? Or would both parties end up struggling if they went their separate ways anyway?
Sometimes the grass does look greener on the other side and it’s easy to think how great life could be without certain problems in your life. However life is full of hurdles, and whilst financial struggles might be the bane of one couple’s relationship, infidelity might be the main problem for others.
Financial problems can be worked on, whereas infidelity? That could be a harder problem to get over.
Love will prevail
In the end, the decision to make a relationship work or not once debt starts leaving its scars, comes down to feelings. The saying “love conquers all” is true. Even the most stressful and difficult experiences can be put to one side if there is real love between two people.
There’s no doubt that debt problems can cause love to evaporate, if left unchecked. If there’s no love left, then that is most probably the right time to walk away from a relationship hampered by debt.
I’d love to know your thoughts on this subject. Please tell me what you think in the comments below!
Before you go, why not check out these posts below too?
- 10 Things I Wish I Knew When I Was in Debt
- Debt Success Stories Series
- The Power of Perseverance and Belief in Yourself (When Paying off Debt)
*Images © Oksana Churakova via from Fotolia – purchased and used under license (referral link)
By subscribing, you'll receive new blog updates by email and occasionally I might email you with any exciting news. I promise not to spam you and your details will never be passed on.
12 Comments
I think what it comes down to is communication. If there is a lack of that in the relationship, things will never get better no matter what the problems is.
Tonya@Budget and the Beach recently posted…Breaking Down My Core Values: Health
Communication is definitely important in any relationship. Where debt is concerned, communication about it can become awkward. It’s not easy to admit financial mistakes for fear of the other person wanting to leave the relationship.
Oh, man, this is a great post. And if you replace the word “debt” with other contentious points, most all of your advice holds strong.
I once had someone tell me that sex and money weren’t the two biggest causes for divorce. Instead, they’re communication and selfishness of which sex and money arguments and problems can be symptomatic.
Femme Frugality recently posted…Paving Your Way in the Dental Industry
Certainly when the debts are one-sided, possibly hidden (financial infidelity), that adds a huge strain on the relationship. I think a lot depends on whether the person in debt is willing to work on fixing the situation, both financially and trust-wise. I’m glad things worked out for you and your husband, and I am thankful that my wife and I are on the same page when it comes to finances.
Gary @ Super Saving Tips recently posted…Keep Your Cool and Save As the Summer Heats Up
Not debt so much specifically (though it has certainly played a part) but financial stress and unemployment generally have been a huge factor in our relationship. TBH I often thought infidelity would have been an easier thing to deal with, many times. For me, I came to the point where I realised financial security was more important to me than marriage (http://nzmuse.com/2016/04/leave-unemployed-partner/) and acted accordingly. It’d a difficult topic – so much emotion wrapped up in it and the line will be different for everybody.
Hey! When I met MrCR I quickly found out he was useless with money when he told me he had no money after payday cause it all went on bounced cheque fees! *shocked face* for a while I thought I could change his money habits – now I know he simply doesn’t understand money and without me he would still be/be back in debt!
We both have our own skills: mine is keeping us out of debt and his is car maintenance and handyman skills! 🙂 The stress definitely took us to the edge a number of times but once he allowed me to take on the task we have become much happier and although it might sound funny we’re both happier now I am the accountant in the family and now all our money is pooled! 🙂
xx
Natalya @ Cottage Retreatist recently posted…PPI: my experiences and successes!
I think transparency and team work are so important to tackle debts as a couple. Money issues can definitely be resolved if both parties are transparent about the issue and work to resolve. Hiding debt issues never helps anyone.
Such a hard topic! I struggled and got out of most debt in my 20’s, and made financial stability and responsibility one of my “must haves” in a relationship. It meant a lot of years on my own. Fortunately, I fell for a guy who’s more financially savvy than I am, but we were 37 and 44 respectively when we found each other.
Emily @ JohnJaneDoe recently posted…Use What’s In Inventory
I’ll be honest, this covers some heavy stuff, of which I really have no experience dealing with, but one of the reasons I love your blog is because you talk about the difficulty of different relationship and the impact debt has on them.
Liz recently posted…Financially Savvy Saturdays #152
I think I’ve been somewhat successful with my husband in managing our debt for a three reasons:
1. We’ve agreed on a spending plan for our money, part of which goes to debt
2. We’ve agreed on how much and what method to pay off debt
3. We both have shared goals for what we want to do once we get out of debt
I think if you can nail these down, it makes it a lot easier. You don’t need to nag your husband (or vice versa) about spending too much if you’re both on the same page in agreement about the how and why to deal with debt.
Lindsay @ The Notorious D.E.B.T. recently posted…Don’t Let Your Bank Account Fool You
This is a lovely post. I hate how money can strain relationships – it certainly does with mine. My husband has a completely different mentality to me and that can be an issue. These are all really helpful points
Such a difficult subject.
If your partner is hopeless with money and is happy for you to take over that side of the relationship, well that is a practical way forward , even if you would prefer to have more active support so you can share the burden of hard decisions.
But I’ve know people who describe living with a partner who never sticks to a budget they “agreed” as like trying to fill a bath when he keeps pulling the plug out. In a way your partner IS being unfaithful, he’s putting his current wants and comfort before your joint long term plans.