Paying off debt definitely requires you to make changes in your life. You’ll need to change your spending and saving habits for one, but after a while you probably won’t mind too much as you happily watch your debt load reduce. In addition, you might well find yourself making a very personal and unexpected change in your life too.
You might need to change your friends
Before you quickly click away from this post, never to return to this blog again, bear with me and let me explain. I know that sounds horribly harsh, so I’ll soften the blow and say that you might need to a have a rethink about SOME of your friendships.
I’m not talking about your loyal best bud that’s been by your side, through thick and thin, since the beginning of time of course. THOSE kind of friends should definitely stay put right where they are. I’m referring to the friends that you have in your life that have a certain way of holding you back or making your doubt yourself and your goals in life.
In short – those friends who have a negative influence on your life. Most of us have them. Negative people in our lives who we still class as our “friends”.
Sometimes, the negative people in our lives become like that over time. The friendship starts out two sided, with lots of positive happy memories created. Then, the friendship gradually changes until one day, you start to ask yourself whether this friendship does in fact make you happy.
Perhaps the friendship seems a bit one-sided as your “friend” seems to be less supportive than they used to be, or more self-centered, or just plain ignorant as to the challenges you’re going through in your life.
The thing is, when you’re desperately focused on getting out of debt (or any personal goal for that matter), you don’t need friendships like this to get in the way of doing what you need to do.
How your friendships can affect your personal success
Your friends can have a direct impact on whether or not you achieve your goals. If you’re surrounded by people who don’t fully understand what you’re striving for or simply don’t care or even don’t believe that you can achieve your goals, then it’ll be much harder to achieve success.
On the other hand, if you surround yourself with people who are on the same page as you, who are supportive and positive, then you’re much more likely to be able to do what it takes to succeed. Because instead of being held back, you’ll be encouraged.
A positive mindset is one that achieves results!
When it came down to my own goal of paying off debt, I did change up a couple of my friendships and I do think it was for the best. The goal of becoming debt free was so important to me that I was able to take a step back from time to time and see who my real friends were.
There’s someone I’ve not spoken to for almost three years now. This was a very old friendship, one that had changed from a really strong bond to something unrecognisable over time. This person started to take very negative views about certain things in her own life and even about mine too. I ended up feeling negative about things myself when I was around this person.
One of the reasons I distanced myself from that particular friendship was because of my goal of getting out of debt. This person knew I was up to my neck in debt, but still pressured me to keep on spending money on nights out and travelling to see her. She would complain, give me the eye rolls and make me feel bad when I said I was trying not to spend so I could get out of debt.
Eventually, I realised that this person’s influence on me wasn’t actually helping me achieve what I needed to do. So I gradually broke away from that friendship and although it was an ordeal at the time, I don’t have any real regrets now because I can see how things had really changed between us.
Without the need to maintain that friendship (and in this case the emotional and financial costs that went with it), I felt able to achieve more. I felt happier overall. I no longer had to explain why I couldn’t spend X amount on a night out and no longer had to feel guilty about whether or not I was being a good friend.
Friendships change and that’s ok!
We all need friends for various psychological reasons and especially because it’s in our human nature to want to trust and feel close to someone. But some friendships have a dark side and they can have the power to get in the the way of the progress that you’re trying to make in your own life. It’s sad when friendships break down but sometimes it’s actually for the best.
Has a friend held you back in some way before?
By subscribing, you'll receive new blog updates by email and occasionally I might email you with any exciting news. I promise not to spam you and your details will never be passed on.
18 Comments
Great article!
Thanks Nic for stopping by and reading!
I’ve never had friends who are holding me back, but I have had friends where it’s a very one-sided relationship, or are just too negative to be around. I made a lot of changes to my friendship circle when I decided to get serious about my finances. I had to say “no” to so many invitations and some friends ended up ditching me. It showed me who my true friends are, so I have no regrets about it!
Fortunately, I haven’t had the experience of being held back by a friend, but I have recently stopped reaching out to a friend who is very negative. I like to gossip and grump as much as anybody else, but every time I spend time with this person, that’s all she wants to do. Since I need more positive vibes in my life, I’m limiting the time I spend with her.
I had some friends who were big drinkers. My antidepressant levels had been too low, and I was going through a particularly rough patch because I was looking at going on disability. I got suicidal, and even once my med levels were back to normal, I avoided drinking for a couple of months. That was mainly how we socialized, so I quickly grew away from them.
There were other things too, though. My main friend there pouted because I would say I was too tired to go see her at the bar, but I would go out on dates with this one guy. I got angry and pointed out that *he* was coming to me and driving around. She, on the other hand, had never offered to take the bus up to me to hang out. It was assumed that I’d take the 20-minute bus ride down there. It never occurred to her to reciprocate for a friend with chronic fatigue.
When I pointed all that out, I had kind of an “Aha” moment.
I have had to make some tough decisions in this area. A lot of people view being in debt as completely normal (including my wife) and thus its not a priority. When you say that you are working to get out of debt they say they have debt too and that everyone does. They throw in “that’s no reason too not enjoy life”. My thought is I enjoyed life a while ago and I still haven’t paid it off so why would I add to the pile?
Hayley, it’s true that friends can have an impact in every aspect of life. So it’s definitely wise to pick and choose friends who can bring positive vibes and influence to our life.
I’m not sure I’ve ever had friends that held me back, but when I was younger I had some friends who just didn’t support me the way I supported them. Those friendships didn’t last. Everyone deserves to have friends who support them, believe in them, and help them achieve their goals, whether that’s becoming debt-free or some other beneficial undertaking.
Gary @ Super Saving Tips recently posted…Is Debt Really a 4-Letter Word?
I agree with Tonya, I’ve had friends who were too negative to be around more-so than debt causing friends. I think I was pretty lucky that I wound up moderately financially stable pretty early AND I was always so frugal that they’ve always thought of me that way.
I have had friends and even relatives that don’t understand how we live and not go into debt. I love them but they just don’t understand why we don’t go in to debt up to our eyeballs and move in a mansion! So we don’t see or talk to them that much. Because we don’t live like they do (in debt) we are lower class.
Vickie @Vickie’s Kitchen and Garden recently posted…Classic Deviled Egg Recipe
I can really resonate with this article! I had many friends who understood that I couldn’t spend money and was paying off my debt and a few who still tried to make me feel guilty for not going halves on a bottle of wine or not understanding why I couldn’t go out.
I agree – friends change and if they weren’t really supportive were they really good friends in the first place? 🙂
Thanks
Natalya @ Cottage Retreatist
Natalya @ Cottage Retreatist recently posted…Changing times at the Cottage Retreat
I agree because some people do mot want you to progress even though they are appearing to be your friend.
Some so called friends need to be surrounded by people like them so your happiness is secondary; I might not replace all of them, but I would spend less time with some of them.
As the saying goes “misery loves company”.
Michael Belk recently posted…Financial Savvy Saturday #130
I totally agree with this. That is why I choose my friends, someone who are supportive and do not hold me back from something I want to do. Someone who gives positive, constructive advice and just supports me all the way.
James recently posted…Investing In Your Child’s Abilities
Great post! I have had friends who were not on the same page financially and therefore, I was unable to keep up with their social demands. My friends now are low-key and are in the same situation, so we are able to have fun but still stick to our frugal budgets.
lolobunny recently posted…Foundations U: Simple and Useful Budgeting Tools That Are Free
I agree! If you explain to your friend that you’re trying to get out of debt, and they keep pressuring you to spend money, they are not your friend. A true friend would be willing to find cheap or free things to do together once in a while. There are tons of fun things that can be done for free!
Jen @ Frugal Millennial recently posted…Frugal Frustrations: When I Feel Like Giving Up