Debt can place an incredible amount of pressure on a relationship, causing arguments, rifts and frustration from either party.
But whether one person in the relationship has debt, or both, it is possible to make your relationship survive even the most terrible of money stresses. I’ve had a front row seat when it comes to the impact debt can have on a relationship and in this post I’m sharing with you my personal experience.
Debt has always been a part of mine and my hubby’s relationship ever since we first met back in 2001. We both had debt and at first, we didn’t talk about it. Who does, right? We went out on dates, both of us carelessly spending on our credit cards here and there. After nearly a year, we decided to move in to a rented flat together and for the first time, we had joint bills for our rent and utilities.
We decided to continue with our own bank accounts and got a joint account for our joint bills only. This resulted in our bills being paid in full and on time and we also maintained our finances independently which suited us both.
A few years later, we decided to buy a house together and that’s when we began to realise the extent of each others debt and the impact that debt can have on a relationship. We were only able to borrow enough for a smallish mortgage because our debts got in the way of being able to borrow the maximum amount based on our income at that time. (That’s probably a good thing in hindsight.)
The debt started to feel like a heavy burden even then. The years progressed and as you’ll know if you’ve been reading this blog for a while, debt has continued to be part of our lives throughout the last 15 years. During this time, our relationship together was tested frequently because of debt and this is the reason I’m writing this post today… to let you know that relationships can stand the test of time despite debt being a part of it.
How does debt test a relationship?
When one person in the relationship has more debt than the other
This is because both parties in a relationship can at times blame the one with debt (or more debt) because debt gets in the way of making important decisions e.g. buying a house or changing job.
In our situation, my hubby had a little bit more debt than me and for a time, as much as I hate to say this now, I subconsciously blamed him on and off for feeling like I had to stay in a job that I hated because I thought that we needed the money so badly. (We didn’t as we ended up paying back our debt on half of our old combined salary.)
I didn’t even look at myself to question my own debt or the decisions that I had made about my finances because technically I had ‘less debt’. What I began to realise over time was that the debt was a burden which we both carried because we had no clue about how to manage our finances responsibly.
I had been looking too closely at the debt numbers and not into the actions which we had both made independently and together to get us to that point. I had no right to assign blame because I had a whole host of financial issues on my own doorstep.
When financial sacrifices have to be made
Another way that debt impacts on relationships is because of the financial strain that comes with debt. If debt isn’t managed carefully, then eventually it takes its toll on life in general. For example, when debt increases, buying luxuries and living life as ‘other people do’ starts to become an issue. Sacrifices have to be made somewhere along the line.
In our situation, we tried to live ‘normally’ for years. We bought a house and then a bigger house like most of our friends. We dabbled in deluxe gym memberships and even a personal training program at one time. We bought little luxuries, spent excessively on gifts for others and we ate out 3-4 times per week.
Gradually, all those things that we were spending money on dwindled because cash was getting tight each month, not made easier by the debts getting larger and larger. When we had no choice but to reign in the spending, we both felt angry and depressed. Not always at each other but because of our lifestyles being ‘forced’ to change.
This was made worse, because we thought we were doing everything we could to get out of debt (which we obviously weren’t doing at that time).
When debt starts to get scary
Once debt goes from being manageable to being out of control, the fear factor can really make or break a relationship. All of a sudden, those luxuries that you miss having become a thing of the past and real life financial problems start to come forward. Like not being able to put food on the table and not being able to pay your mortgage or utilities. Words like bankruptcy, insolvency and debt collectors may start to have more meaning and both parties in a relationship can experience real stress and worry.
When this happened to us, it was our wake up call. We had honestly been trying to pay off our debt for years, going without luxuries and cutting back where we thought we could. We even started to realise that it was our own mindset around money that needed to change.
Then we experienced another blow with debt which couldn’t be helped because it was the result of my hubby’s start up business. At this ultimate low point, I remember feeling like I wasn’t able to breathe. My hubby was nearly at breakdown point and our daughter was just 10 months old.
We had never been as scared as when we realised what having debt could do to us. We could have lost our home, our marriage and affected our daughter’s life significantly if we hadn’t been able to work through our debt problems together.
How to make a relationship work if you have debt problems
The answer is quite simply down to love, trust and being prepared to work together. As cliché as this sounds, if two people in a relationship really love each other than they can get through just about anything. Debt problems are incredibly stressful especially as debt is often a taboo subject and not talked about enough.
Often debt doesn’t become serious until it’s too late and the damage is done, so recognising the warning signs that your finances are out of control is the first step to getting out of the danger zone. The next step is to make sure that both of you fully understand your current finances and what you’re doing right now which isn’t helping matters.
Being supportive of each other is so important and looking at the reasons why the debt has occurred rather than obsessing over the amount of debt is also a major factor in moving forwards. Then make a plan to tackle the debt effectively together whether it’s both of you in debt, or just one of you. You don’t necessarily need a joint account although personally this has most certainly helped us.
Work together to survive your relationship problems
Relationships can’t work any other way. My hubby and I are lucky enough to have a very strong relationship and we’ve managed to get over our debt problems together. We recognised the detrimental behaviours around finances that we both displayed whilst we were accumulating debt and realised the damage we both caused as a result. For us, we were united in our approach to getting into debt and in the end, we were united in our approach to getting out of it.
Has your relationship been affected by debt?
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21 Comments
Hey Hayley and thanks for sharing your story with us all!
I’m glad that you and your hubby were able to overlook the personal damage that debt can cause by sticking side by side and coming up with a game plan to get both your debts under control and eventually squashed. That’s love for ya 🙂
That being said, I’m sure there were some trying moments that tested that love…but you both got past them. I have no doubt that your little girl is glad you both worked things out 🙂
Take care Hayley and my best to all.
Lyle
lyle @ the Joy of Simple recently posted…You’re Not The Boss Of Me!!
There definitely were some trying moments on both sides Lyle. Debt can be such a burden and impact on pretty much everything that a person does if it’s not managed carefully. We’re grateful to have learned this important lesson albeit a few years later than we would have hoped for. It’s good to reflect on how much has changed, it really makes us feel positive about things. 🙂
Thank you for sharing such a personal story. Debt really can ruin relationships if you’re not prepared to deal with it together. I saw my parents fight one too many times over the debt they were in. It was a burden we all had to share. Debt hasn’t really impacted my relationship. We’re both in similar situations so there’s no blame involved, we just feel like it’s holding us back.
E.M. recently posted…Second-Guessing the Decision to Move?
Thanks E.M. Admitting debt is an issue is tough – especially when you want to get on in life. I’m sorry that your parents struggled with debt, am I right in thinking that they are on their way out of debt now? Glad that your relationship is going smoothly in the debt department. Being honest and open as soon as possible is key.
You are so brave for sharing such a personal story with us Hayley. Thank you. I am so inspired to see how far you and your husband have come. Congratulations. I know all about debt and dating as well. J doesn’t have any debt. And you know I’m a Girl with BIG debt lol. When we first started dating he was really uncomfortable with my debt, even pushing me to write a personal finance blog so I could learn a thing or two about finances and stay accountable to myself and hopefully maybe even make some money from it to help me pay my debt off faster. Now J is my biggest debt supporter, cheering me on to the finish line. 🙂
Thank you GMD! I was in two minds whether to post this or not with it being quite personal to us, but I think this might benefit others so that’s got to be a good thing. 🙂 I’m so glad J persuaded you to start Girl Meets Debt and to start tackling your debt. You’re an inspiration to others with every post that you write! xo
Great post. Thanks for sharing!
My husband and I both have a good chunk of debt, but I wouldn’t say it has affected our relationship, probably because we don’t have kids or own a house yet. When it comes to dealing with our debt, we are both open about how much we each have and how we’re both taking steps to eliminating our debt. We’re also supportive of each other’s debt milestones. For instance, the other day when I paid off a good chunk of my credit card and found out my credit score went up, he was super excited for me. 🙂
We’re hoping to have all or most of our debt paid off by the time we have kids and buy a house so it won’t be an issue when we’re ready to take those steps.
Gina recently posted…Debt Repayment Update: March
Hi Gina thank you for stopping by and commenting! That’s great that you and your husband are supportive of each other and communication is good between you. That will really help you to achieve your debt payoff goals. Best of luck and looking forward to reading your March update shortly. 🙂
Hayley, what a wonderful, thoughtful, vulnerable sharing. It really spoke to me as our relationship has been tested and I’m sure will continue to be, once in a while. He’s more of a glass half full guy and I’m a glass half empty girl, so we don’t always attach the same level of emotion around our finances. But seeing him tow the line after I took over and started calling the shots, made me realize that he was in over his head previously and it was just as much my responsibility to have left managing all the finances to him. That is when my anger turned to forgiveness and I realized that if we working together and from the same page, it would be okay. He has many great qualities and I love him to bits. We will be married 25 years this year.
DEBt DEBs recently posted…Booze Budget
Congratulations on your almost 25 years of marriage DEBt DEBs! I’m so glad that this post reached out to you and that you and your husband have worked out a way of dealing with your finances together. Relationships hardly ever run completely smoothly over time anyway but when debt is involved, it can be much harder because of all the emotions that come with carrying the burden of debt.
Great post, Hayley! I spent years in a relationship with a guy where I had a bunch of debt and he had none. I always felt… unequal. Like I was dragging us down and I also felt like I had no say in any of our big decisions. We could never agree where to live and I always felt like I could never really win the argument, because I couldn’t contribute anything to a down payment. We fought a lot about stuff like that. Debt definitely has further repercussions that just what it’s doing to your credit score.
Mel @ brokeGIRLrich recently posted…Financial Lessons from the Kitchen Sink
Thanks Mel! Sorry to hear that you felt unequal Mel in your relationship because of your debt. That’s how myself and the hubby felt too when we subconsciously compared ourselves to others and also between ourselves too. The hubby often felt like he was the one dragging us down, yet the numbers were increasing on both sides because of the way that we managing our finances.
Thank you for sharing your story, it was great to see the much more personal side of “personal” finance and debt. Hopefully you can continue your journey towards your goal being debt free 🙂
My girlfriend and I are not near the point of joint accounts yet, but she understands the huge debt that I currently have and I know she will have some student loans too (but not even close to the amount I have!). I think the most important part is that you are on the same page financially and to be understanding of each other. We know that the debt takes a priority over other things and there are some times when you might want to do or buy something but have to stop and think about the consequences too.
Debt Hater recently posted…March 2014 Budget Review
Thanks Debt Hater. 🙂 I agree that being on the same page is really important. It doesn’t matter how much debt each of you have, it’s about understanding the reasons behind how the debt occurred. Once you know that, you can get yourselves out of it!
Aw, Hayley, how nice that you would share something so personal but I believe you want to impart a very important lesson: no amount of debt can ruin something as precious as love and respect between two people and together there is a way, there is always a way. I have no partner in life but have gone through a similar situation and I was at my lowest point. But after I let my children in on the situation (the first 4 of my 6 kids are adults already, you see; the eldest & the second both with jobs), things cleared up. We are still currently working on it but with a lighter, clearer disposition and I couldn’t be more at peace.
Jen @Sprout Wealth recently posted…What Should I Do Now That Iâm Done Paying Off Debt?
Thanks Jen for sharing your experience with us, I’m so glad that you found support and peace by telling your children about your situation. 🙂 You’re right, this is the message I want to share, that debt doesn’t have to come between two people in a relationship and there is always a way to get out of debt.
One of my commenters said I should come over and read this, based on my recent post. Debt and relationships are so hard and thank you for being so brave for sharing your story. I also resent having to work sometimes and support myself and make the majority of the money. I feel regret and sadness for my choices, and having to work so hard now. It does affect my relationship. He doesn’t want me to work so hard, and I don’t feel like I can. It’s a work in progress all the time. So proud of how far you have come!
Melanie@Dear Debt recently posted…Financial Infidelity
My relationship hasn’t been affected by debt, but my fiance and I both have a fear of debt and we generally avoid it. My fiance especially; he has always hated debt and didn’t even get a credit card until we tried to finance something at 0% when he was in his mid twenties and we couldn’t use his name because he had very little credit. I think you’ve provided some great tips, though. My cousins are in a lot of debt and they have almost let it come between them. They went to counselling recently and learned that they have to be able to work together.
Good post! I think a lot of it can come down to the fact if the one with the debt wants to get out of it or not. If they do, then you can work on it together and come up with a plan. I had some debt coming into our marriage, but was working my way out of it. When we got married it was ours and my wife was great in helping getting it paid off.