Today’s post is based on a question I received from a reader recently asking for advice about debt and relationships. After getting the reader’s permission, I am able to share her question with you and my reply to her in case it helps anyone else.
I’m also thinking that there are some very knowledgeable PF bloggers out there who may also be able to offer this reader some good advice…
For anonymity purposes, I’m going to refer to the reader as ‘Mandy‘. Here’s her question below:
“I’ve been following your debt progress for a while and I wondered if I could ask some advice. I’m in debt and my boyfriend and I are looking at getting a place together. We’ve been together around seven months. He doesn’t know about my debt and I’m really scared about telling him in case I lose him. He’s good with money but I’ve racked up some debt over the last few years. I owe around $12,000 in credit card debt and am still paying off my student loans. I’m debating about just trying to get the debt down as much as possible without telling him but I’m thinking that we might need to share financial details when we move in. What should I do?”
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Here’s my reply:
Hi Mandy
Thanks for getting in touch and for sharing this with me. I understand why you’re debating over whether or not to tell your boyfriend. This is still a fairly new relationship and money matters (including debt matters) are personal. It seems though that things are starting to get serious if you and your boyfriend are thinking about moving in together?
I’m not sure whether you’re thinking about buying a place with your boyfriend or whether it’s renting somewhere that you’ll be doing. If you’re buying a house, debts and liabilities (and any assets) will certainly crop up in any mortgage application process. If you’re planning on renting, then you’ll probably need to provide bank statements and proof of income as part of tenant checks but as far as I’m aware you won’t need to go into the details of any debts that you carry.
Depending on which route you’re going down with moving in with your boyfriend, this might eliminate the ‘must tell him’ scenario. But personally speaking, if it was me, I would mention it. That’s because if things are getting serious between the two of you, then having secrets isn’t perhaps the best way to start things off. Especially debt secrets. My hubby and I weren’t completely honest with each other about our debts for years and I really think this added to our financial problems in the end.
I say ‘mention it’ because I don’t think a full on ‘confession’ is needed. A lot of people have some kind of debt these days, especially student debt. Your boyfriend may even expect that you have debt – if you’ve not really spoken about such financial matters before, you might find that he has some kind of debt himself. If you don’t say anything, you’ll be causing yourself a ton of stress and worry in the meantime. And the longer you leave it, the harder it will get.
This has to be your call as only you know your boyfriend, but if he’s serious about you, then it stands to reason that he’ll hear you out. You don’t have to go into the nitty gritty of how the debt occurred or even the extent of your debt right now. I would just mention it in conversation, without making a big deal out of it. If you decide to tell him, let him know about your plan to pay it back (if you have one yet!). That’s what I would do. Hopefully he’ll react in the way that you want him to.
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I hope this helps somewhat Mandy! Thanks again for getting in touch and letting me share your question with my readers. I hope that things work out the way that you want them to. You may also want to take a look at a post I wrote recently about how to make a relationship work when you’re in debt.
For the record, I’m not a financial adviser (bwahaha!). Or a relationship adviser. But I do have experience about debt and relationship issues. 🙂
What advice would you offer Mandy? If you’re a reader with a question, I love answering them either privately or through the blog, so please feel free to contact me!
*Image courtesy of Flickr
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19 Comments
I agree with your advice. The only thing I would add is that Mandy should be prepared to answer lots of questions if she just lightly brings up the topic. If her boyfriend is very debt-averse, he might want to know the numbers. Also, I would be prepared to share income data and demonstrate that her debt will not limit her ability to pay her share of the rent and household expenses, just to put his mind at ease.
Good luck, Mandy!
Amy recently posted…Last Week’s Frugal Highs
Thanks for commenting Amy – and good point. It’s best to be prepared for a detailed conversation about this just in case!
I couldn’t agree more, being open and honest about things is the way to go. It’s a tough thing to do but it’s also the right thing.
Even Steven recently posted…Guest Post Today at CNA Finance-Gambling and My Financial Decisions
Thanks Even Steven for your input. Money matters are very personal but I think it’s best to get any awkward conversations out of the way as early on as possible. Easier said than done though!
I agree with you Hayley. My boyfriend and I were honest and upfront about our financials early on, but we also met through mutual friends and had hung out previously before dating, so there wasn’t as much pressure. But if you’re going to be living together, you’ll need to sort out how you’ll be paying for things. My boyfriend and I split rent and alternated paying for groceries. Make sure you can contribute what you can and still pay off your debts. And just because your boyfriend is good with money doesn’t mean he hasn’t made mistakes of his own in the past! It’s better that this be discussed now rather than later. If he truly appreciates you, he’ll trust that you have everything under control.
E.M. recently posted…Setting Up a Joint Bank Account…When You’re Not Married
Thanks E.M. I’m sure Mandy will appreciate your input on this. There is definitely a practical note to consider about paying for bills and such like – debts can have an impact on these sorts of things after all.
Really good advice Hayley and I also agree that being open about it is best. I think you feel like a load is lifted off your shoulders when you end up talking about it. I’ve recently told my bf but I haven’t really gone into much detail, that will come with time.
Debt Busting Chick recently posted…Pi$$ed Off With Debt
Hey that’s great about you telling your boyfriend! This will reassure Mandy I hope. How did he react out of interest?
He didn’t really react and didn’t really ask for further details.
If the relationship is going to move forward than all things must be on the table. Knowing about the debt will allow you to game plan a way to tackle it. As the others have said, honesty is key.
Brian @ Luke1428 recently posted…Why I’m Quitting My Job To Be A Stay At Home Dad
Good point Brian about being able to plan a way of tackling the debt if it’s out in the open. If Mandy’s boyfriend isn’t aware of the debt, it might be tempting for Mandy to ignore the debt herself (I’m sure that won’t be the case for her but debt can slide off the radar).
You have advised her very well. I am sure many of your readers would have given the same advice because it is the best. If the relationship is meant to be, young as it is at the moment, this “issue” will not be a reason to destroy it.
Jen @Sprout Wealth recently posted…Make Money Series – How to Sell on Craigslist
Exactly Jen. I think that when the time comes where both parties in a relationship are jointly responsible for household bills, it’s a good a time as any to bring up any issues around debt. Better now then in the future.
Interesting post. Interesting questions raised. But this seems more to me about communications within a relationship than about debt. The best relationships revolve around excellent communications. If you are serious enough about someone, you had better be serious about your communications. You don’t have to reveal everything all at once, but you better start the process sooner rather than later. Just my 2 cents.
Brad @ How To Save Money recently posted…Budgeting to Save Money
Thanks Brad for inputting to this – communication is key in relationships – and if this isn’t in place, then things can get extremely tricky later on down the line. My hubby and I weren’t completely open about our debts for many years. We are still together though and have had to face some challenging times as a consequence of the debt. Now we’re completely honest with each other about money matters, things are great!
I think you gave good advice Hayley. As you already mentioned…communication is the key to a good relationship. While Mandy probably knows her significant other better…personally I wouldn’t find debt, even consumer debt, a deal breaker if the person is working on getting out of debt. It would be different if the person is a spend thrift who is getting deeper into debt.
Andrew@LivingRichCheaply recently posted…Price of the American Dream: Are your costs escalating?
Absolutely she should tell him about the debt. These discussions need to start early and be part of their communication language, not to be avoided. You advised her well, Hayley! I might also add that they should also determine how they will share expenses when they move in together. This will involve sharing incomes and determining if rent should be prorated based on income, or 50-50, how will groceries and other household expenses be shared? These are the rocks, onto which they build the foundation, or the whole house could crumble or be very shaky indeed.
debt debs recently posted…Family Matters – How Does Your Family Treat Money and Debt?
I would agree with you Hayley, she should tell her boyfriend about her financial status, as early as better. When their relationship will continue to grow every month, the more the guilt she would feel, so for me as earlier now she should open up to her boyfriend about her debt. If the guy really do love her then her debt is not a problem after all.
Marie @ 724 Credit recently posted…Getting Started With Credit Repair With Some Initial Steps
I agree with all the others – good communication is the key. You need to be honest about your situation but also keep it in perspective – past debts aren’t a major failing, current over-spending is 🙂 And you have to have an open discussion about how you are going to split joint bills once you live together partly this depends on how much each of you earn.
Also be clear about how you are going to tackle it, that you don’t expect him to be paying your debts. If you want an economy campaign, that will affect him as you may want to be changing the things you do together. If you want to get on with your life and just pay the minimums, then the debt may be there for a very long while and affect serious relationship planning – how could you get a joint mortgage or afford a child until it is cleared?
I’ve looked at some of these issues on my website here: http://debtcamel.co.uk/snapshot/his-hers-debt/
Sara @ Debt Camel recently posted…How F&F settlements affect credit ratings